Ireland’s Last Remaining Goth Passes Away


GRIEF stricken mourners took to the area outside the Central Bank in Dublin’s city centre to pay their respects to Ireland’s last remaining goth.

The dwindling goth population in Ireland now stands at zero following the passing of Síofra Hanratty, a 14-year-old Dublin native with a love of all things miserable and black.

“I went through a goth phase myself so I just wanted to pay my respects,” shared one mourner 25-year-old Eoin Carrick, who briefly listened to nothing but My Chemical Romance during the summer of 2004.

Hanratty had been Ireland’s last remaining goth since late 2015, the only teenager staunchly sticking to not being understood by anyone but the music she listened to while also concentrating incredibly hard on looking dreadfully pale.

The cause of death remains a closely guarded secret, but it is believed Hanratty overdosed on rolling her eyes at people who didn’t think Marilyn Manson was the greatest musician to ever live.

“Kids these days are just into other things. Things that will be as equally embarrassing to look back on in later life, but yeah the whole goth thing is now over with sadly,” explained Ciaran Keaney, a lecturer specialising in annoying teenagers who hand around public places looking glum.

Hanratty is survived by an entire wardrobe full of black clothes, some penny dreadful books, near-toxic levels of eyeliner and eye shadow as well as some items referred to as ‘Steampunk’.