Sam Allardyce To Usher In New ‘Tiki-Hoof’ Era As Part Of England Job


THE FA are expected to unveil Sam Allardyce as England’s next scapegoat later today, and strong hints that he will be tasked with ushering in a new football revolution have already been dropped.

A new footballing philosophy dubbed ‘Tiki-Hoofy’ had been proposed by Allardyce in his interview and will be adopted at every level by the FA. A seamless mixture of one touch football from centre backs who then boot the ball as far up the pitch as possible will be perfected with long hours on the training ground, revolutionising the English footballing way which has in recent years simply involved losing.

The FA’s technical director Dan Ashworth has already been busy at the St. George’s Park training complex, transforming the immaculate pitches into hazardous mud baths, and has given his blessing to Allardyce’s plan to “scare the shit out of these jumped up millionaires”. The search for 10,000 6 foot 5 inch strikers, who will be integral to Tiki-Hoofy at all age levels, is now on.

Senior England players were consulted on the identity of the next England manager have been vocal in their dismay at Allardyce’s appointment. It is believed the players asked ‘what have we done to deserve this’ which prompted the FA to angrily shout ‘you know exactly what you’ve done to deserve this’ while they pointed at a replay of the Iceland game and an empty trophy cabinet.

Kevin Nolan has already been installed as England’s new captain with Jay Jay Okocha taking up the playmaker role vacated by the ghost of Wayne Rooney.