Simon Harris To Hand Out Medical Cards Like He’s Oprah


“YOU get a medical card!” cried Minister For Health Simon Harris this morning, excitedly.

“And you get a medical card! And you get a medical card! And you!”

The Fine Gael TD beamed as he announced plans to urgently provide legislation by October in a bid to provide medical cards for thousands of sick children by 2017.

“I’m just givin’ ’em away!” yelled the Wicklow TD.

“Has your sick child been on a waiting list for ages, have you been wracked with uncertainty as to how you’re going to cope without a medical card? Booyah, you get a medical card! That’s just me all over, kicking ass with the health portfolio, like a goddamn rockstar!”

Mr. Harris was paused in the middle of his speech by members of the opposition who stated that there were distraught families out there who simply couldn’t wait any longer for the help their children need.

“Don’t ruin this for me right now,” replied Harris, high-fiving himself.