“I Do Not Accept Communion Donations Less Than €50”
In the latest from WWN’s Opinion series, we offer a platform to people who really don’t deserve it. Today is the turn of Michael Nealon, fresh from just making his first Holy Communion.
Hot topics of the moment include separation of Church and State when it comes to education, but I couldn’t be fucked with that, I’m more interested in separating that €50 note from your wallet and into my hands.
Getting me to convincingly pretend I think I’m eating Jesus in wafer form comes at a price. And yes, I get that in your day you didn’t get as much money, but that’s not my fault, is it? So, shut up about it. That pungent odour of jealously is only slightly worse than Fr. Duffy’s old person smell, but he’s 87, what’s your excuse?
I’ve €970 euro, which is a decent haul all things considered, but it should be a clean €1,000 except someone, one of my supposed relations, forked over a pathetic €20 note. At this point it is a cliche to say one wipes their arse with €20 notes, but I actually did it.
Come on, I smiled for photos, looked holy and all that B.S., so now is the time to fork over the moola.
The arrogance of some people I have encountered in the beer garden section of my local pub after my Communion is astonishing. To hear them ask if I had a change of a €50 note, just floors me. There’s a reason I made my Mam forward on my bank details to you clowns: so we could arrange a swift wire transfer. I even have my IBAN number for those overseas fucks.
It’s enough to drive someone to failing the Communion, and repeating next year.
20 yoyos doesn’t get you much these days, it doesn’t even get me to pretend I’m grateful for your generosity. Nope, that comes at an opening bid of €50, and I’m not budging.
And no, I don’t want to hear the sob story of how you can’t afford it, I just ate some horrible fake bread, without butter may I add, and I demand to be compensated accordingly. Show me your bank balance as proof that you don’t have €50 on you, or prepare to have me shame you in front of everyone for ruining my first holy Communion by not giving me what I want.
My PayPal is [email protected]
You know what to do.