“I Have No Idea What I’m Doing” Enda Kenny

THE latest in our WWN Voices series sees the country’s Taoiseach contemplate the fact he has no idea what he’s doing.

A Chairde, full disclosure: I haven’t a fucking clue as to what I’m currently doing. This is brand new territory for old E-dog here. I thought a minority government was a bunch of black and hispanic lads taking charge, but I’ll leave that stuff to Gerry. I have to say, I’m grateful the bearded bollocks is still around, without him everyone would still remember that time I told a horribly racist joke in public. Don’t bother looking it up, I did that Google forget me stuff. It’s nice and buried.

Wee Gerry has taken the heat off old T-shock here, and we’ve been left to negotiate in peace without the media’s microscope trained on us, it’s been quite lovely.

Anyway, back to me not having the faintest notion of a fiddler’s elbow as to which way is up and which is down.

Fianna Fáil deal this, give the independents a road or a hospital or two that. It’s hard to keep track of this, but rest assured you almost have a brand new government you can steer all your anger, rage, hatred and amusing memes at. At least I think you do, there’s only so much attention you can pay to stuff in fairness.

Micheál is the kind of guy who can punch you in the face and convince you it was actually quite pleasurable and that you asked him to do it in the first place, but I think I got the better of him in the end… or maybe that’s what he wanted me to think. Shite. This is what 60 odd days of shite talking will do to a man.

It was wall to wall talking, I can assure you of that. Words were spoken. Sometimes sentences too, and when we were feeling particularly energetic we’d blow past a whole paragraph. You’d be proud of us Irish public, you really would.

You now have a government and a Taoiseach only 25% of you wanted, and that’s the great thing about democracy. It’s fucking mad. I honestly thought I hadn’t a hope of trousering more than my good friend Barack gets paid, but here I am again, on the cusp of that sweet, sweet paycheck. All thanks to you.

Have you read the outlined agreement between ourselves and Fianna Fáil? No? Great we were banking on that, knew we could rely on you losing interest.

In conclusion, what’s changed in the last few days? Some important things so my advisors tell me. What’s going on now? Your guess is as good as mine. What’s going to happen next? Ask me arse.