How To Get A Sick Note From Your GP

IF the recent bank holiday weekend is already feeling like a distant memory then you might just need a day off. With a couple of days left to go in the working work a sneaky 2, 3 or 21 days off could be the perfect remedy for your work blues.

To drag out your insistence at not wanting to work despite perfect health, you may need to enlist the help of your local GP. One sick note, appropriately worded could be the key to fun, work-free times. We show you how to get that sick note with a number subtle steps:

Wink wink nudge nudge

Once you’ve booked in with your GP, sit down and give them the tried and trusted wink wink nudge nudge. Don’t worry, they’ll understand, this isn’t their first workshy rodeo.

A light cough

Didn’t work? Well, you are ‘sick’. Don’t give up, open up those puppy dog eyes, and bleat out a light cough, indicative of a bit of flu or full blown aids, whatever you’ve decided you have, the GP will grant your request; you’ve just got to put on this little performance. We know, it’s stupid, but these GPs are sticklers for the rules.

Rip off a limb

If your doc is coming at you with the type of hostile questioning more suited to a suspected terrorist you might as well rip off a limb. If it’s sick they want, you’ll give them sick. How about a detached arm or leg on the house doc, how sick do we look now? Yes, we know it’s a lot of blood – we’ve just sawed our limb in front of you, we’re not idiots.

Cough on your doctor

We’re taking things up a notch here folks. A light cough is one thing, but a naked and unashamed attempt to infect your GP with whatever it is you obviously don’t have will be enough for them to sign the damned cert. Cough, cough, splutter. Throw in a fart to boot, people who are really sick rarely have control over their bodily functions.

Ah go on

Some gentle and pathetic pleading probably wouldn’t go a miss at this stage if your GP just ain’t buying it.

Pull a knife

We like this drastic step about as much as you do but it’s either this or face another week listening to Sinead at the desk next to you talk about how lovely her kids are. Exactly! We recommend a really big knife, you won’t use it but it’s intimidating as fuck. Wave it about a bit and that GP is sure to set a new record for fastest name signature ever seen in a doctor’s surgery.

Enjoy the time off, you’re welcome.