Early Census Information Reveals 120% Of The Nation Is Catholic


WITH Census enumerators in the midst of collecting census forms from the Nation’s households, one trend is emerging which suggests there won’t be much change from the last census conducted in 2011.

Some 120% of the Nation has identified itself a Catholic, thanks in no small part to the diligent work of parents, who have insisted on listing their children down in census forms as such even in the event of objections from their offspring.

“We’re right on track to match our 2011 total, which basically means we can keep being that seemingly benign overbearing influence in your life, whether you like it or not,” confirmed Fr. Augustine Spring, spokesperson for the Catholic Church in Ireland.

“However, we’re not entirely happy as this new ‘No religion’ religion is growing slowly but surely. We’ll have a word with everyone’s mam, and she’ll soon have that shite snuffed out 5 years down the line when we do this census thing again,” Fr. Spring confirmed.

The information gathered in the census will be used to help shape future governmental policy when it comes to matters of education, public services, and so far the Central Statistics Office (CSO) are happy with what they see.

“We don’t want specific results, one way or another, but that residual Catholic guilt hangover just means we can essentially use the 2011 results without doing much extra work pouring over the new one,” CSO spokesman John Hingle explained.

The CSO also rejected all accusations that the Catholic church may have tampered with the census results, stating that the church has already put in the groundwork over several centuries when it came to tampering with the public’s minds.