Bible Too Far-Fetched Even For Me, Says Pope
FOLLOWING yesterday’s announcement that the theories behind both the Big Bang Theory and evolution are real and that God is not a ‘magician with a magic wand’, Pope Francis has issued a second statement today admitting that there are things in the Bible that even he thinks are pure guff.
The popular Argentinian pontiff, who gained admirers with his more lenient views on gay partnership earlier this year, went on to state that there are some parts of the Bible that even he, as God’s representative on Earth, has to admit are pretty out there.
Speaking at his daily pre-mass sermon, Pope Francis shocked listeners by reading passages from both Old and New Testaments while making googly eyes and circling one finger around his temple.
Citing key examples of Catholic dogma such as the immaculate conception and the resurrection of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ™ as being “metaphors, at best”, the 266th pope began to giggle as he moved through chapter and verse of the Bible, angering some of the more senior Cardinals who were present.
“Pope Francis may not be feeling that well at the moment, is one possible suggestion as to why he is acting this way,” said Cardinal Serge Aguila, one of the Pope’s closest aides. “Otherwise there is no way he would be preaching that the Bible isn’t 100% accurate. The Pope is a grown man, so why all of a sudden he has started to question the existence of talking snakes and pillars of fire and seas parting and zombie Jesus and the rest of it is beyond me”.
“It’s important for the Pope to get back on the same page as the 265 popes before him, and continue to stress just how powerful God is, and the punishment that awaits them if they stray from the word of God in the slightest. Otherwise, we’ll all be out of a job”.
Although the more lenient teachings of Pope Francis have brought many lapsed Catholics back to the flock, many cardinals believe that the church can do without those fair-weather Christians, providing the core group of faithful remain fearful of a God with a magic wand who created the world in 7 days.