Miracle Hailed As Local Man Turns Wine Into Water

AFTER an extensive local investigation, the Archdiocese of Waterford and Lismore has forwarded to the Vatican a possible miracle, where one local man successfully turned wine into water.

Damien Dunne, who works part-time in a local chipper, said he had no idea that he was a miracle worker, until last year, when he was approached by local priest Fr. James Rice, who had heard about his amazing ability from local mass goers.

“I do this party trick where I drink a whole bottle of wine, and then piss back into the bottle, turning it into to mostly water,” he explained. “Everyone around the village has seen it at this stage and get a right laugh from it. Father Rice may have gotten carried away with the whole miracle bit, but it will be interesting to see if the Vatican go for it”.

If it is sustained by the Congregation for the Causes of Saints, Mr. Dunne could be in line for sainthood, making him the first Irish saint this century.

“Saint fucking Damien; I’d fucking love that shit boi,” he said, now making the sign of the cross before slugging down another glass of wine. “I better get some practice in for the big chiefs”.

The Roman postulator for Dunne’s cause, Dr Andrea Ambrosi, declined to comment on the miracle unless and until it is approved by the Congregation’s medical board and panel of theologians and officially promulgated by Pope Francis.