“You’ll Always Be My Taoiseach” Ted Tells Adams

IN a secluded corner of a Louth counting centre, a sad and moving election moment unfolded between Sinn Féin president Gerry Adams and his beloved teddy bear, Ted.

Not long after being told by senior Sinn Féin election staff that some exit polls had placed the party with 16% of the popular vote, the realisation that he would not be Taoiseach slowly dawned on Adams.

“Ted, Ted, what I am going to do with all those Taoiseach Gerry t-shirts I got printed up,” an emotional Adams shared with his teddy bear as he sunk to his knees in a quiet corner.

“Snap printing won’t take them back, will they? Jesus, of course they won’t. Stupid Gerry, stupid Gerry,” a frustrated Adams added now slapping his forehead with his hand repeatedly.

Perhaps owing to a long and arduous campaign, which had left Adams tired and unable to perform basic maths, it was then, in his moment of need, the Sinn Féin leader was addressed by his treasured teddy bear.

“You’ll always be my Taoiseach,” Ted tenderly told Gerry, adding a wink for good effect. “And don’t worry about Slab. We’ll make them all pay for Slab: every single last one of those bastards.”

“Aw, Ted, you always know what to say,” Gerry added as both Ted and Gerry began to quietly chant ‘Taoiseach Gerry’ over and over again to themselves.