€200 Billion Development Planned For Limerick City

THE CITY of Limerick is to get a 200 billion euro facelift over the next 5 years on the condition that Fine Gael are re-elected into government next Friday.

The new inner city development is planned to bring an array of futuristic-style architecture and transport systems, bringing the fourth most populous city on the island of Ireland into the 21st century.

“It will be like the Jetsons once it’s finished,” Taoiseach Enda Kenny promised today, unveiling a series of plans for the aptly named ‘Limerick 3000’ project. “We envisage an air-based transport system, which will put Limerick commuters ahead of the rest of the world with flying cars, trams and gardaí patrol cars all being proposed for the project.”

Proposed landing pad for Limerick University

The project will consist of 10 key locations to be developed, including: the Island, the University of Limerick, Dooradoyle, Southhill, the city centre and even plans to cover the river Shannon in perspex to deter people from jumping in and committing suicide.

“Suicide booths that will vapourize humans in a matter of seconds will be placed in key locations around the city,” Mr. Kenny explained. “And we haven’t forgotten about the travelling community either; a €34 million sulky race stadium will be built on the old Crescent Shopping centre site. You’re welcome Limerick.”

Residents currently living in the city will be vetted for serious crimes and if they fail the vetting stage, they will be locked in their homes and burned to the ground to help eliminate any future criminality in the new, state-of-the-art city.

“We will house all the good people in Dublin until the new city is built,” the Taoiseach finished. “All you have to do is just vote Fine Gael this Friday in the general election. The kingdom of God will be yours to live in forever”.