5 Best Election Goodies Handed Out By Politicians


FINE Gael Wicklow hopeful Simon Harris raised eyebrows recently by distributing personalised handwipes promising a “refreshing future for Wicklow”. However, people must have short memories, because this kind of thing is extremely common during election time. Here are 5 of the best politician-branded goodies currently doing the rounds:

1) The Gerry Adams all-head weather protector


Hats only keep the top of your head warm, and scarves only keep the bottom of your head warm… what’s a cold-headed person to do? Luckily, Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams distributed some personalised all-head weather protectors to the electorate, to keep them warm and give them a reminder to vote for Gerry.

2) The Joan Burton Nokia 3310 phone cover


Protect your phone from knocks and scratches, while remembering that a vote for Joan Burton is a vote for recovery, jobs, and prosperity. Available for both Nokia 3310s and Motorola V-Dots; those are the only phones you’re supposed to be able to afford.

3) The Leo Varadkar comfort cushion


The Minister For Health knows that sometimes, you’re waiting in A&E for longer than you’ll have left to live after you get seen to. So make that stay a bit more comfy with a Leo cushion, which also has a detailed history of his success with the health portfolio, and an outline of what he’s going to do when the cabinet gets re-shuffled and he’s hopefully moved to another post; any other post! He’ll take anything, anything except health!

4) Alan Kelly’s water harvesting kit


Alan Kelly is the kind of politician that says “hey, I know times are hard. I know you’re not happy right now. But seriously, lay off me for a while. I’ve a pain in my hole listening to you”. Sick of water charges? Just attach this to the downpipe of your gutter and you can collect all the water you want, for free! Plus it’s got Alan Kelly’s face on it! Don’t say he never helped you out, now give the man a vote for Christ’s sake.

5) “Enda” by Enda Kenny


Mask the smell of lies and bullshit with the new designer fragrance by Enda Kenny, a free sample of which is being dropped through the letterbox of every household in Ireland. Smell something fishy? Smell a rat? Smell pure, weapons-grade bullshit? A quick spray of “Enda”, and you’ll forget all about it. Comes with Enda’s direct phone number; call him any time, day or night.