Kanye West Threatens To Shoot New Album If He Doesn’t Get $53 Million


ARMED police have surrounded the Los Angeles home of the rap star Kanye West, following threats by the world’s greatest living artist to shoot his new album if he doesn’t receive $53 million in the next 24 hours.

West, who revealed on Friday that he has incurred a personal debt of $53 million following a series of failed fashion ventures, issued pleas on Twitter for Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, to give him $1 billion dollars. When Zuckerberg failed to respond due to the fact that he doesn’t have Twitter, West began to issue threats against his new album in a bid to get money soon.

The increasingly erratic West was due to release “The Life Of Pablo” this weekend, but decided to make it exclusively available on Jay-Z’s streaming service Tidal instead.

When fans complained that they wanted to buy the album on their platform of choice rather than be forced to download the Tidal app, West went pure mental and pulled a gun on the record, screaming that everyone would “give him money or he’s gonna cap this motherfucker”.

“He’s been sitting in the front room of his house with a gun to the album for over 24 hours now,” said Mike Kozlowski, chief hostage negotiator with the LAPD.

“He’s demanding that everyone stop what they’re doing and give him money. His exact words are ‘stop donating to charities, stop needlessly sending money to people that are starving or dying, those motherfuckers are going to die anyway. But Life Of Pablo has a chance to live, if you do exactly what I say’. We’ve got a sniper team at the ready, but despite the size of Mr. West’s head, they don’t have a clear shot because there’s a woman with a massive arse in the way”.

As the tense standoff continues, West’s list of demands has expanded to include the release of Bill Cosby, and for everyone to go buy a pair of $510 Yeezy sweatpants.