Gardaí Appeal For Help With Everything

AN GARDA Síochána have launched an urgent appeal for information about any and every unsolved case in the history of the State, following an admission by a Garda representative that “we got nothing”.

Although the police force of Ireland have become one of the world’s foremost anti-protester services, as well as keen collectors of fine-based revenue, they struggle when it comes to preventing crime or finding and arresting lawbreakers.

Rather than appeal for help on a case-by-case basis, the guards have decided to launch a universal appeal for help in general.

Anyone with information on murders, assaults, drug deals, robberies, money laundering, missing people or prostitution is urged to come forward and help the struggling Gardaí, who don’t even know where to start on half of these cases.

“Seriously, we got nothing,” said Sgt. Michael Hawarth, shrugging his shoulders.

“We show up at a crime scene, tape it off with the warning tape, and after that, we’re 100% at a loss. Honestly, we don’t know where to start when it comes to an investigation. That’s why we’re appealing for members of the public to come forward with as much information as they can; we’re turning nothing down”.

Hawarth went on to stress that this information would be treated with absolute confidentiality, as the Guards would wish to take all the credit for any subsequent arrests.