Waterford Dad Doesn’t Know What Family Do Be Doing With All The Toilet Roll


COUNTY Waterford man Derek Conway admitted today to being ‘at a loss’ when it comes to his family’s toilet roll consumption, claiming to not know what they do be doing with 24 units a week.

Speaking in the sitting room last night, the 42-year-old reportedly interrupted celebrity big brother at nine forty three pm.

“He started banging on about how we could go through twenty four rolls of toilet paper since last Saturday,” daughter Marie recalled. “His mouth was making loads of noise, but I just couldn’t hear too much more of what he was saying.”

It is understood Mr. Conway introduced a ‘3 sheet rule’ during the lecture, which teenage son John said must have lasted for twenty straight minutes.

“I’m not sure whether he meant three sheets for the girls when they pee, or three sheets for everyone in the house when they poo,” he said. “I know girls need a few sheets when they pee, but that’s not enough for a good wipe after a poo, no matter what sex you are.”

Unaware of the conundrum, mother Clare Conway echoed her husband’s sentiments, pointing to the cost of velvet scented toilet rolls in the supermarket.

“Ye’re talking nearly ten euros a week lads, for Christ sakes,” she began, also admitting to her piles being a contributing factor for their choice of roll. “You all know I need the soft stuff for my hemorroids, so don’t make us have to go back on the hard stuff again from Tesco. No one wants a hole like a Japanese flag again”.

Following both parental briefs, the Conway family eventually agreed to use the toilet roll sparingly from now on.

“I’ll try my best,” concluded son Declan (11). “But if I have one of those never ending wipe scenarios, I can’t promise anything”.