Everyone Dying


FRESH reports from around the world have confirmed that the majority of, if not all people, are currently dying.

Following on from the recent, seemingly never ending deluge of well known individuals from the world of acting, music and beyond in a constant state of passing over to the other side, comes expert testimony confirming everyone is dying as we speak.

“We’re in such an accelerated state of famous people dying, they have actually surpassed the typical measurement used to describe such happenings and are now in fact dropping at a far quicker rate than common flies,” deathologist Dieter Rhode explained to WWN.

Consulting a chart marked ‘people’, Rhode spent much of our time with him pointing at pictures of people well and not so well known, each time simply remarking ‘dead’, in a sombre tone.

“This phenomena is set to continue unabated for much of our time left on the planet,” Rhode added, his stark words proving the increasingly unjust and prolific nature of death.

“At last count I’d say there was a lorry or truck loads of people dying, it’s incredibly disconcerting,” Rhode concluded, no closer to finding a solution to the problem.

In the seconds since this article was published, it is believed the triangle player from Blur has passed away.