‘The Monk’ Requires One More Miracle To Become A Saint, Says Vatican


A SPOKESPERSON from the beatification committee in the Vatican has confirmed that Gerry ‘The Monk’ Hutch may be a candidate for sainthood, if he miraculously survives one more attempt on his life.

Hutch, 52, escaped unharmed after two balaclava-clad gunmen burst into a bar in Lanzarote where he had been enjoying the festivities of New Year’s Eve. Having survived this assassination attempt, Hutch appeared on the Vatican’s “miracle radar”, which keeps track of inexplicable events across the world.

Perhaps misreading news headlines and believing him to be an actual monk, Cardinals in Rome put Hutch on the fast-track for sainthood after learning about his history of miraculous heists including his alleged involvement in a £1.3million security van hold-up, the largest robbery in the state, at the age of just 24.

After paying £1.2 million in unpaid taxes to the Criminal Assets Bureau (CAB) in 1999, Hutch went on to found the taxi company Carry Any Body (CAB), which miraculously made even the most vocal anti-criminal bodies in the country admit that it was quite a witty play on words.

“He is called ‘The Monk’ because of his religious beliefs, so that’s step one on the road to sainthood. Next is heroic virtue,” said one Vatican source.

“Heroic virtue doesn’t necessarily mean someone has to be sinless, they just have to be seen to try and better themselves as their life progresses, and Hutch has always claimed to be done with criminal activity so we’ll give him the green light there too. And anyone that can get out of a Lanzarote pub without getting shot by two lads that were there to kill you, well, that’s pretty miraculous. If he does it again, it’s over to the Pope. Gerry might be a Saint before Mother Teresa”.

However, Vatican rules declare that a person must be dead for at least five years before consideration for Sainthood, meaning Hutch’s assassination-dodging skills may keep him out of the running for a long time.