WWN Guide To Being A Good Republican

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FOLLOWING recent developments in the ongoing ‘Slab’ Murphy, Criminal Assets Bureau, IRA saga, we here at WWN have put together this handy guide to being a ‘good’ republican, as previously outlined by Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams.

How to spot a good republican.

Like many organisations, generating revenue is key to members moving up the ranks, and the IRA is no different. A good republican will extort, steal and use any means necessary to raise money for ‘the cause’. Weaponry is the primary goal to any paramilitary group, and acquiring such a commodity in a country with strict gun laws can be tricky, so any republican who can master this craft would fall under the category of being a ‘good republican’. Slab Murphy is one such individual. In the 1980s, Slab smuggled huge stockpiles of weapons from Libya and was part of the army council that decided to end its first ceasefire with the London Canary Wharf Docklands bomb in 1996 that killed two men. Okay, I know what you’re thinking; murder isn’t a nice thing, but importing military hardware kind of cancels them two dead guys out when you think about it.

A good republican takes charge of his organisation while taking a fair share of the profits.

You can’t expect to run a paramilitary organisation without getting paid, right? Even charity CEO’s get paid, so why not a good republican chief of staff like Slab Murphy? Sure, he may have accumulated £40mn in the process, but look at all the hard decisions he had to make: planning the Warrenpoint ambush of 1979 killing 18 British soldiers, the Mullaghmore bombing which killed four people, including two children, several British bombing campaigns, having trial witnesses and spies bludgeoned to death, smuggling oil, cigarettes, grain and pigs while also trying to run his own legitimate businesses. It’s tough work and no easy slog let me tell you.

Avoiding silly old tax.

How many times have you received money in a Christmas or birthday card and not logged it with revenue? Well, that’s exactly what happened to poor old Slab. On 17 December 2015, he was found guilty on nine charges of tax evasion by a 3-judge, non-jury Special Criminal Court trial sitting in Dublin. They were obviously out to get him and the whole trial was unfair from the get-go. Imagine being arrested for not registering your Communion money. This is exactly the same as that, only it was €250,000 and over £111,000 sterling in cash found in one of his bins at home. He probably spent a whole month, saving that too, for them to just take it from his poor family. Look it, if revenue doesn’t recognise the IRA as a business organisation, then why should its members pay VAT? I rest my case.

Bottom line: Thomas ‘Slab’ Murphy is an honest, innocent old country farmer who’s just out to support his family and kids like the rest of us, so leave him alone media.

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