Recently Discovered Gospel Confirms Mary Ate Immaculate Placenta

RECENTLY translated sections of an early version of the Bible discovered on ancient papyrus in Jordan have shed new light on the birth of Our Lord And Saviour Jesus Christ™, with interesting insights such as the eating of the placenta by Our Lady.

Bible scholars leaked the transcripts on TMZ, giving the public a glimpse into the original celebrity baby’s unusual birth.

As well as feasting on nutrient-packed pills made from the powdered remains of the dried afterbirth, the incredible new paragraphs show how Mary had “a terrible time” during labour, and had to spend up to two hours rolling back and forth while sitting on a rudimentary swiss ball made of hay and bits of sticks.

Our Lady also required a significant amount of back rubs from her husband Joseph during the 37 hour ordeal, while constantly telling the Holy Spirit to “never come near her again”.

“You could say Mary is the first person in the world to eat the body of Christ,” said Ian Vespilliari, Vatican baby expert. “The immaculate placenta would have helped her regain her strength after the stress of labour, and I’m sure it had a whole lot of holy goodness in it too. These news verses are incredibly detailed and help us get a full picture of what it was like for the holy family in that manger, without even gas and air to help with the delivery”.

Later portions of the manuscript also detail the arrival of the three wise men, who criticised Mary for breastfeeding in public and suggested she only do it “out the back of the stable”.