Thousands Of Confused Culchies Congregate Outside Closed Clerys

O’CONNELL street is at a standstill today as a horde of confused culchies clawed at the shutters of the now-closed department store Clerys.

This is the first Christmas that the store will not open its doors, following an onerous liquidation process in the middle of the year which saw hundreds of staff lose their jobs without any prior notice.

Clerys has always been a favourite destination for shoppers from the country who traditionally descend on the capital on the 8th of December, formally known as “Boggers day out”.

As thousands of shoppers landed by rail, bus or horse-drawn carriage to Dublin this morning, there were eerie scenes on the main street as it began to dawn on the culchies that they could not go to Clerys for a fry and a mooch around. Not knowing what else to do, a huge crowd of them remain outside the walls of the store, circling around and trying their best to find a way in.

“What are they doing? Why do they come here?” mused one onlooker, watching from Easons across the road.

“Some kind of instinct?”, offered another spectator. “Memory of what they used to do. This was an important place in their lives”.

As of noon, the crowd showed no signs of dispersing, as they shuffled around moaning “Cleeeerys”. Meanwhile, Gardaí believe that up to 98% of them have already been pickpocketed by lads from Talbot Street.