Robert De Niro Signs Deal To Star In Any Old Shite


LEGENDARY actor Robert De Niro has signed a multi-thousand dollar deal which will see him star in an upcoming straight-to-DVD movie about some bullshit or another.

The two-time Academy Award winner, famous for his incredible portrayals of some of cinema’s most iconic characters, will play the role of someone who has just run out of fucks to give at this stage.

De Niro, whose recent work makes for an interesting graph of output vs. quality, was said to be hugely enthusiastic about making up to 50 grand for his next role, after having one of his agents read through the first 10 or so pages of the script.

It is believed that the 72 year-old will make at least one reference to a line said somewhere throughout his once-illustrious career, as a jokey wink to how he used to be in good movies once upon a time.

“Mr. De Niro is delighted to be a part of this production, that production, whatever production comes along next,” said Malcolm Irwin, De Niro’s agent who operates out of an office above a Starbucks on the outskirts of Los Angeles.

“I think what attracted him most to this script was the proximity of the shoot to a nearby golf course, allowing him to show up and bang through his scenes in one take and then be on the links by noon”.

The movie, to be directed by some newcomer with a background in music videos or TV commercials, will hit the in-flight movies menu of transatlantic services next March.