Mobile Banking App Lets You Know Just How Fucked You Are At All Times


NEW updates released today for mobile banking software have allowed anyone with a smartphone to check on just how flat broke they are at any time, anywhere.

Downloading a mobile banking app from any of the major banks now allows you to check your balance on the bus, in a nightclub, or while sitting on the toilet, giving you plenty of time to gasp in shock and fear at how you’ve got €9.63 to last you until payday.

The new updates still retain some features from older versions, including one somewhat healthy total for how much money you have and another, much decreased figure for how much money you can spend when you take “pending transactions” into account.

Mobile banking users will be able to feel a sense of impending financial doom at all times, with no possible way to delude themselves that things “can’t be that bad”.

“Tapping through to ‘my balances’ will bring the user through to this screen, and as you can see, it looks pretty tragic,” said designer Michael Donaghy, showing off the new features at the official launch.

“We’ve kept the front screen very clear, so not only can you see how little money you have, you can also see how much money you owe. This way, app users can clearly see just how bolloxed they are at a glance”.

Donaghy went on to confirm that yes, payments would disappear from your accounts immediately, but credit card balances will only change at the close of a business day, allowing app users to think that they “aren’t doing too bad right now”.