Scientists Unable To Explain Continued Shrinking Of Chocolate Bars


YET another edition of the yearly Scientists For Chocolate Bar Skrinkage Research (SFCBSR) conference has yielded no fresh insight into the mysterious shrinking of chocolate bars here in Ireland and abroad, WWN has learned.

A packed 3 Arena played host to a variety of the world’s most prominent scientists who share a passion for chocolate bars as well as a mutual disgust at their inexplicable shrinking, which has increased tenfold in recent years.

“I have deferred all my clinical trials and research relating to a cure for serious cancers in a bid to solve this distressing phenomenon,” keynote speaker at this year’s SFCBSR conference Dr. Helena Gunctfeld explained to WWN.

Confusion was first expressed by Irish scientist and chocolate eater Noel Brogan was noticed that between 1999 and 2015 the average chocolate bar has shrunk in size by at all 43 inches.

“We must first off, commend chocolatiers who are at just as much of a loss as ourselves as to why the bars have gotten smaller. They really want to solve this too. But, despite the cooperation we’re no closer to finding out why diary milks, mars bars, toffee crisps have all shrunk so rapidly in recent years,” Dr. Gunctfeld added.

Tests carried out on 14,000 different varieties of cocoa beans reveal that the beans have seen no change recently.

“Oh, God, eh, yeah, so very frustrating,” explained chief chocolate bar designer at Cadburys Matthew Gerrard, “it’s like ‘ah, if only we could get to the bottom of this’. We’re just as mad our customers are, honestly,” Gerrard added, raising his fist in mock anger.

“We just measured our tins of Roses this year and they’ve gotten smaller again, naturally, we’re devastated, but nothing has changed on the production line, honest,” Gerrard concluded.