WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

You look at a video on YouTube which simulates the effects of LSD, and now you really want some LSD.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Remember “Blue” by Eiffel 65? Well, it’s stuck in your head now.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

You may have wasted your teenage years and your twenties, but your thirties are looking… nope. Wasted ’em.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Remember; there’s no sense in donating to charity if you don’t tell people about it on social media.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Look, if everyone else is robbing bikes, why shouldn’t you? Go on. Rob a bike.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Your new passport photo is terrible. Look at your old one! Look how cute you were! Can’t you just keep that photo?

Libra September 23 – October 22

What’s that? You’re never going to be able to use telekinesis to move something? Not with that attitude, you won’t!

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Heartburn… acid indigestion… trapped wind… you’re turning into a living ad for Rennie.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

The dread is building; will you come up with a good excuse to not go to your cousin’s wedding? You’ve only a week left!

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

POLITICS! You should go into politics! You’re just the type for it. Make of that what you will.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

We’re not sure what this means, but the tarot cards for you this week just spell out “fuck this fucking loser”.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Diet tip; it doesn’t count as salad if it’s 90% dressing.