WWN Guide To Being Hungover On A Monday

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AS outlined in the Irish constitution, every Irish man, woman and child has the inalienable right to start the working week off in an absolute hoop, and not have it reflect poorly of their standing within their workplace.

However, it is not always the easiest experience for anyone who chose to drink excessively the day before knowing they had to be in work. WWN’s essential guide to a Monday morning hangover could help you avoid making the day any worse than it has to be:

Vomit, and vomit early. It’s never too early to take half an hour off from not actually doing any work, and chucking up your guts. And remember, if anyone catches you vomit, be it into a bin or all over your keyboard. It doesn’t matter, it’s your right as an Irish citizen.

Whatever you do, don’t apologise. Why should you apologise for something that is an inherent right? You shouldn’t, and if anyone tries to suggest you are increasing their workload by just sitting there and sweating profusely, tell them where to go while pointing out you can’t help sweating, vomiting, stinking of alcohol or passing out.

Just ignore any non-Irish employees. They will try to explain that what you’re doing is not acceptable and is unprofessional and disrespectful, but you can just put it down to a difference in cultures.

Send someone on a shop run. You might only want a chomp bar, but here just give the intern a twenty, and maybe get a yop too. A breakfast roll. Some crisps. Packet of paracetamol. A second chomp. Rock shandy. Hair of the dog. A cloth to clean up that vomit with up.

Fall asleep on the toilet. It eats into the working hours that bit more. We’d advise that you keep your pants on for this part, as not doing so can result in the possibility of embarrassment when discovered by the cleaners later that evening.

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