EXCLUSIVE! We Meet The Sickos Who Won’t Baptise Their Child Just To Get Him A Place At School


THE home of Saadiq and Elaine Gurramesh seems like any other household in Ireland on the surface. Like you or I, they own chairs, a TV, a toenail clippers they forgot to put away even though they knew they had guests arriving.

However, a social faux pas such as this pales in significance to the fact that Saadiq and Elaine have hit headlines in their local community after confirming they have no intention of baptising their child just to get him a place in school. Just writing those words fills me with enough anger to go back to their home to slap them both in the face of their selfish idiocy and place a picture of the Sacred Heart in their hallway.

For their part, the parents of 4-year-old Darmesh, maintain it is their right as non-religious individuals not to baptise their child in the Catholic faith just because the odds are stacked high against any non-Catholic families in Ireland in terms of access to education. But, surely it is our right as a secular nation of lapsed Catholics who don’t really believe in the tenets of the faith to be allowed exclude them for not bowing to immense pressure.

“I’m not Catholic,” Elaine says, as if she’s pointing out something important, or as if I’m so supposed to be impressed.

“There are no secular schools near us, and sadly we are far down the list of priorities having only moved here 2 years ago due to myself and Elaine getting new jobs,” Saadiq said, seemingly unaware of how fucking stupid and selfish he was to get a better paid job in a new community when his child was 2 years of age.

To listen to Elaine and Saadiq, it was clear they had no morals, principles and frankly, they were a danger to their well feed, healthy and polite child. Despite their horrid ways which could rightly see a community shun them completely, Saadiq and Elaine were welcomed with open arms by many people.

“Look, chuck a bit of water on the kid’s head and we’ll let him in, even though he has a funny name,” explained school chaplain and head of the board of management at Sisters of Mercy Primary School, Fr. Michael Mackey.

Fr. Mackey explained to the Gurrameshs that such a move would be win-win for all involved as Darmesh would receive a place in school, and the Catholic church would register the 4-year-old child as a permanent member of the church with no option to renounce his membership once he was an adult.

“He gets to be educated by some amazing State paid teachers who have to stay in the closet sexuality and faith wise for fear of losing their jobs, and we get to tell the Government in any meetings we have with them that we get about 50,000 thousand kids starting in Junior infants every year that are deeply, deeply Catholic. Kebab’s parents are giving out for no good reason, and if you ask me they’re weird sickos who obviously don’t want the best for their child,” Fr Mackey concluded.

Fr. Mackey’s sentiments were echoed by a friend of the young family who was so concerned she popped in to the house to point out that stubbornly saying ‘Ireland’s education system is not fit for purpose and does not reflect modern society, and someone should stand up so that this can change’ is a bit stupid sounding.

“Jesus, just give in and baptise the little guy, it’s not like it matters, why are you being so selfish about it,” Emma Hanley, a family friend, told the couple in response to Elaine’s meaningless claim that neither herself or her husband are religious.

“Eh, yeah, and? Neither am I, but it’s just the law or whatever, do it and stop making a show of yourself,” Emma confirmed to Elaine, who at this point was surely beginning to realise the damage she was doing her child.

In an effort to show Darmesh’s parents the true horror of their tyrannical reign against their son’s future prospects I suggested that send their son to an Educate Together school with the other lunactic parents who hate their kids.

Elaine pointed out that there wasn’t one in the locality, and she produced two obviously falsified pictures from the official department of education website which mapped out the multi-faith schools:

educate together

And then the Catholic ethos schools:

catholic ethos

It was heartwarming to see that in a supposedly secular state like Ireland, Catholicism could still have such a clear day to day involvement in the running of schools and excluding of non-Catholic children.

When the Minister for Education Jan O’Sullivan was asked what Saddiq and Elaine should do, it is believed her formal repsonse was “ah no now, I’d get that lad batised fairly fucking quickly if I were you”.