9 Things In Today’s Budget 2016

NEED a quick catch up on all the major announcements contained in this year’s budget? Check out our handy list below for all you need to know:

1) Price of cigarettes will go up by €1,200.50 per packet. However, the price of black market cigarettes smuggled over the border remain unchanged. Some good news.

2) As is custom on budget say, the Minister for Finance picks out the name of one lucky citizen at random who will not have to pay any tax for the next year. A brief awkward moment when Michael Noonan picked out his own name from the hat, but he pulled out a second name, a Mayo native by the name of Enda and all was well.

3) The Minister for Finance was adamant that he would be allowed to allocate just enough spending to the HSE so that it doesn’t spontaneously combust right this second, resulting in the complete collapse of the health services in Ireland.

4) Free pints for everyone on the dole was ‘not workable’ in the end, but there was a .5% cut in the fine for public urination during the hours of 12am-4am so it wasn’t all bad.

5) Self-assessment tax has been replaced with a Selfie-tax. Expected to raise €16 billion next year.

6) Government TDs were left very happy as money was allocated for pothole repair in every Government TD constituency in the weeks leading up to the general election.

7) Free tickets to this year’s Late Late Toy Show was on the cards, but Government decided against it. Instead the 75% restoration of the Christmas bonus will also see members of the public get free into a nightclub of their choosing.

8) First time buyers, of second hand homes, in the third band of property tax, in four specific counties set for 5% tax relief. Great news for everyone.

9) If anyone is still in the city centre David McWilliams is just starting up his night-long DJ residency in the Dáil bar. Not to be missed.