WWN Guide To Ejecting Snot From Your Nose Like A Professional Footballer

WITH hocking mucus from your nose becoming more and more popular among sports stars, we here at WWN have put together a handy guide to help you snort it like Beckham.

Consume plenty of dairy products before a game. Dairy products have long been known to enhance snot consistency and is key in congealing your mucus membrane. Some sports stars drink 30-40 litres of milk before each match to help with their booger game. Greek yogurt is a favourite among professional footballers too, and gives you the added boost you need to form a good nose projectile, but the lactic acid is known to cause cramp and other issues – a small price to pay if you ask us.

Avoid cocaine and other snortable drugs. Diego Maradona was probably the best footballer the world has ever seen, but once cocaine started affecting the lining of his nasal passage, his snot game died, forcing him to quit playing the sport altogether. Cocaine maybe good for stamina and making you poop, but it is illegal in the world of football and those caught unable to eject snot from their nose can be tested by FIFA officials. This is how Maradona was caught. Don’t be stupid; don’t take cocaine if you want to play football.

Technique is key. Did you know David Beckham can eject a snot from his nose at 104 miles per hour? In one game he managed to hit the corner flag from the halfway line. How does he do it? Well, that’s years of practice folks. Beckham uses the hold nostril technique, where he literally presses down on one nostril, while using all his force to eject through the other. He is a left handed nostril hocker, but his right isn’t too bad either. Some players don’t need to hold one side to alleviate the other so don’t be afraid to try both ways. It’s your snot and creating your own signature hock is also part of the beauty of it.

Make sure the attention is on you first, then hock it. A good ‘snock’ (yes, we’re calling it a snock now, seems right at this stage) in front of an adoring crowd is half the battle. Make sure the limelight is on you first before you doing it. Do not waste a good snot opportunity. Hock that snot right before taking a penalty, free or corner. There’s kids watching so it’s your time to shine. A good snock is always followed by a spit, so take it from the masters: grab the attention, snock and spit. Boom! You’re welcome football.