WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

This week you will mostly maintain that air of smug superiority you honestly haven’t earned.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

This week you will consolidate all of your loans into one easy payment at just a 450% interest rate.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

This week you and Leann Rimes will be locked in an explosive fight with the moonlight.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

After your toilet starts giving you trouble you will regret typing ‘big black cockstops’ into Google, but will nevertheless see you spend the following hour pulling looks of shock and intrigue with your face.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Good news: you got tickets to see Fall Out Boy in the 3 Arena this week. Bad news: it’s not 2005 anymore.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Some lads offering to clean your gutters and driveway will sense your disdain for their ethnic backgrounds and rob your house blind while you’re away this coming Saturday.

Libra September 23 – October 22

This week you will mostly be going viral in Japan, after some bastard Japanese tourist holidaying in Dublin filmed you picking your nose on the top deck of the 46a.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

We can’t say we thought it was a good, but fair play to you, kidnapping Tom Hardy in the hopes of convincing him to marry you is going well so far, although the neighbours are bound to hear his screaming unless you soundproof the shed.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Ah, visit aunty Joan, come on, sure with her Matthew in Australia, and her Anna in Canada, it’d be good for her to see you. She has the biscuit tin fully stocked and all, come on, don’t be a cunt.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Writing a letter to your 16-year-old self seemed like a good at the time, but 22 pages now and Jesus, you’re not pulling any punches.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Due to discovery of water on the surface of Mars, this astrology bullshit seems a little more pointless doesn’t it?

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Surprisingly the jest “that’s not what your mother said last night” doesn’t annoy you as it should coming from your dad.