WWN Health: The Correct Way To Rub The Fuck Out Of An Eye Infection


EYES: you only get two, so it’s important to look after them. During the course of the day, your eyes get bombarded by dust, wind, smoke, insects and dirt, so it’s no surprise that every so often you’ll find yourself playing host to a nasty infection.

Eye infections can cause a reddening of the cornea, weeping, and a sticky discharge that glues your eyelid shut while you sleep. So it’s important to rub the ever-loving shit out of your peepers until the itchiness goes away. Here’s how:

Rub each eye as hard as you can

Don’t romance them; get stuck in! The itchiness associated with eye infections is nature’s way of telling you that you should jam your fingers as deep into the corners of your eye as possible, pausing only to go about your daily business of handling food or money or whatever.

Thumbs up

Take a thumb, either thumb, and mash it into the surface of your eye. Rub, son! Rub it good! Rub your eye as if you’ve got cheat notes written on it during an exam, and you’ve just spotted the teacher coming your way and you’re trying to get rid of evidence. Rub it like it’s a clitoris and you’re a 16-year-old virgin.

Knuckles help

Fingers haven’t got enough itch-power? Add the strength of the knuckle into the equation, particularly your thumb knuckle. Bury that fucker into your eye and just keep up the up-down-over-back motion going until you feel some relief. You can use the same knuckle on both eyes if you like!

Palms are good

If your eye continues to be inflamed and sore, you’re going to have to utilise the palm of your hand to really get in there. Smash the ball of your hand into your eye socket and mush your eye back into your head. Shove your hand into your head like you’re trying to get a suitcase to close.

Get creative

If your eye infection is still there after more than four days, you may have to get creative with your rubbing. Use fabric such as the sleeve of your jumper, or a tea-towel, to add extra friction and surface area to your hand while you rub your eyes. Use the towel in the bathroom to rub as much eye-water out of your head as possible. Pillows, bedsheets, whatever you can lay your hands on: rub rub rub rub rub!