Pope Can’t Fit Meeting US Abuse Victims Into Trip As He’s Hitting Las Vegas Pretty Hard


A SPOKESPERSON for the Pope has regrettably informed US victims of clerical abuse that although Pope Francis would have loved to make some time to speak with them about their ongoing grievances with the way the Vatican has treated them, the Pope was actually planning on hitting Vegas pretty hard in the coming days.

“He’s fully comped in Ceasar’s Palace, I’d like to see someone tell me with a straight face they’d cancel that to meet with abuse victims,” Cardinal Francesco Moltoban told media in response to questions earlier today.

The Pope’s visit in America is set to take in a variety of issues which the pontiff believes should be of great concern to Catholics in America, such as global warming and capitalism, and acknowledging how difficult these past few years of scandals have been on US bishops.

However, the 266th Pope has admitted that once these subjects are covered along with factoring in the time it takes to go wild in Vegas, there really isn’t much time to discuss how victims of clerical abuse in the US are unhappy with their treatment by the Vatican.

“He’s going to see Celine Dion’s show 4 nights in a row, that plus trying to kill it on the blackjack tables? Come on, he’s only one man, he can’t be expected to have time to discuss how the commission he set up in 2013 to help abuse survivors has yet to do so,” Moltoban explained.

The Pope did however take time out to praise the ‘courage’ of bishops in the handling of clerical sex abuse scandals, which have seen victims met with hostility.

“Plus, while children are the future, children who were abused and grew up to be adults that ask uncomfortable questions after being ignored are not. Also, the Pope just can’t make a good PR story of that, so why bother,” concluded Moltoban, before detailing how ‘fucking psyched’ the Pope was about securing the penthouse suite in Ceasar’s.

“He’s seen the Hangover like 8 times, he can’t wait”.