River Liffey Now 80% Shopping Trolleys

A NEW report by Dublin city council has confirmed that the river Liffey is now made up of only 20% actual water, with the other 80% composed of rusted old shopping trolleys.

The Liffey, which rises in the Wicklow mountains before snaking through Dublin city on its way to meet the Irish sea, is said to contain more shopping trolleys than all the supermarkets in Dublin combined.

Trawling teams which dredge the Liffey for needles and bodies have opted to leave the trolleys where they are, as several conservation groups have protested that a dirty river full of old trolleys is part of the unique culture and heritage of Dublin at this stage.

“There are trolleys in the Liffey from stores such as Crazy Prices and Quinnsworth,” said one council worker, while standing around with thirty other council workers.

“Shops that no longer exist. These trolleys are the only things that are left to remind future generations of Ireland in the eighties. Some of these trolleys still have coins in their slots: just the other day we saw one that had a farthing in it”.

Experts have agreed that removing the trolleys from the Liffey is not just a historical travesty, but could also lead to an ecological nightmare, as many water creatures such as the schwahhhfish, only found in Dublin, have come to depend on the trolleys as their natural habitat.