WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

This week you will go to the chemist specifically to buy something to trim your eyebrows, which are starting to go full Scorsese.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

A coworker will ask you how was your weekend, you should make up a lie right now so that you don’t admit you spent it trying to teach your cat how to juggle.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

8 retweets! Look at you, mister popular!

Cancer June 21 – July 22

You bite all your nails off in record time. Now you have to wait all week to have something to bite again. Way to pace yourself.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Remember: no pain, no gain. Which, ya know, you might be perfectly ok with that.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

It’s your birthday soon. If this office doesn’t do a whip-around for a cake, you need to fucking say something about it.

Libra September 23 – October 22

There’s nothing wrong with drinking tea in Starbucks, but maybe don’t sit there reading the Farmer’s Journal.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Stop browsing Amazon for Star Wars toys. You. Are. A. Grown. Man.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

You missed your prayers this morning, so make sure to say them twice tonight.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Wealth! Happiness! Love! Success! We see none of this in your future!

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Be sure to retweet that urgent appeal for donations, but don’t bother actually giving any money to it. A RT is grand!

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Why can’t you be more like your brother?