Media To Continue Chipping Away At Zayn Malik Until The Little Bastard Cracks


SEVERAL high-profile tabloid and media publications have today vowed to continue chipping away at ex-One Direction boy-band member Zayn Malik until the little bastard cracks and breaks down into an unstable, quivering mess.

Malik, who is only 22 and a half years old, recently broke up with fiancée Perrie Edwards after abruptly ending the engagement via text message.

“It’s a good time to turn the screw on him while he’s down in the dumps,” said Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre. “Usually people are very vulnerable after a break up so we’ve hired 14 photographers to follow him around the world for the next six months until he cracks. He should get tired of them this weekend sometime so we’re hoping to have an assault charge against him really soon.”

Mr. Malik left One Direction earlier this year due to the severe pressure he was under with non-stop touring, and has since been making news headlines over poorly thought out tweet decisions.

“I hope he fucking dies,” voiced Taylor Swift fanatic Chantelle Williams, who admitted to hurting herself after Malik publicly disagreed with Swift over music streaming services. “He doesn’t deserve to share the same social network as the rest of the stars. He’s not even a celebrity anymore and should be dead.”

The singer is now reportedly house hunting in LA after calling off the purchase of a £3million dream home with Ms.Edwards. He is expected to move to the US next month to pursue a career in music, drug addiction and being publicly ridiculed.