Eircode Q&A: Things You Need To Know

How much has the system cost?

None of your fucking business is what it costs. Who do you think you are, Angela Merkel?

Whether it cost five euro or five billion euro, it will never matter to you in the slightest. Just keep paying your taxes and be thankful you have such a great postal system, you ungrateful prick. Count your blessings you weren’t born in the third world or something; where they have to deliver the post by carrier pigeon. 

What will the Eircode look like?

If you can imagine playing Scrabble and Sudoku with a bunch of epileptic dolphins – exactly like that.

Will I have to change my address?

Yes. Everyone on the island will be relocated to different homes. You can also swap postal codes with other people – like a football sticker album. South Dublin residents will have the option of personalized postcodes.

Could I just use the Eircode when posting letters?

Yeah sure. Who needs stamps or envelopes anymore, right? Eircode will do all that. Just stand facing the mirror with your post and shout ‘eircode’ five times and your letter will be posted immediately for you. Eircode can also be used to mow the lawn or unblock stubborn drains. Eircode is your friend.

So do I have to start using it now?

Yes. You have to use it straight away. In fact, if you haven’t used it already today you could face a penalty of €10,000.

Quick, go get an envelope and address it to someone using eircode. Don’t forget to stand in the mirror to post it.

How do I find out what my postal code is?

Since Eircode was aquired by Denis O’Brien last month, post codes can now be bought for €49.99 at any Topaz petrol station. Alternatively, you can download your eircode for the reduced price of €49.97 at www.DobsMaltaAccount.ie/eircode