Taoiseach Granted A Restraining Order Against Fintan O’Toole Columns

AFTER having his case fast tracked in court earlier today, the Taoiseach Enda Kenny has been granted a restraining order against any future columns and opinion pieces by Irish Times journalist Fintan O’Toole.

The restraining order comes as a result of a scathing column in which O’Toole attempted to criticise Our Dear Leader. Such was the severity of O’Toole’s ramblings, Government press secretary Feargal Purcell intervened by stamping his feet and proclaiming ‘it’s not fair’ over and over again.

Representing the Taoiseach in court barrister Thomas Harrington cited severe ‘annoyance’, ’emotional distress’ and ‘mild irritation’ at O’Toole’s writing, which rubbished the idea that Ireland is the poster child for necessary and effective austerity measures.

Justice Colm Boyle took less than an hour to find in favour of the Taoiseach and outlined how the restraining would work.

All copies of The Irish Times containing Fintan O’Toole’s written pieces must come no closer than 100 feet of the Taoiseach in order to avoid any future hurt feelings. Mr Kenny’s own subscription to the publication must be delivered minus O’Toole’s writing, and all mentions of the journalist must be removed from the paper.

Anyone drawing the Taoiseach’s attention to the existence of the writings could face a lengthy prison sentence.

O’Toole for his part, was warned by Justice Boyle about his future conduct, with the judge pointing out “your words affect people and they have consequences you know, you can’t go around calling a spade a spade and expect to get away with it”.

It is thought the Taoiseach’s trio of star character witnesses swayed the judge with Jean-Claude Juncker, Christine Largard and Mario Draghi all taking to the stand to express how placid, obedient and nice Mr Kenny is.

Outside the court, Mr Kenny broke down in tears briefly, before saying he was glad the ordeal was over.