WWN Guide To Massaging Garda Crime Figures


WITH news that the Central Statistic Office estimates that recorded crime levels might actually be as much as 38% higher than Garda estimates, WWN shows you, the average Garda, how to properly massage those figures to the point where the public doesn’t presume it was just a ‘dishonest mistake’:

A key element to making sure crime doesn’t go reported is by taking your pen and pretending to write down in detail what a member of the public is alleging whether it be an assault, burglary etc, feel free to draw yourself in a superhero’s cape, they have to be convinced you’re writing something down.

However, as a Guard you must not make the mistake of putting any minor complaint from a politician or anyone else in a position of power on the back burner. This is one case where you better enter that into the Pulse system a good 5 times just to show your local TD how keen you are to get their nextdoor neighbour’s hedge down to a more acceptable height.

This tip is for the more dedicated but as victims of crimes are in the middle of telling you what has happened to them, try repeating ‘sorry, what?’ as many times as possible until they leave the crime scene or station. They can’t say you didn’t ask them about it.

Are you concerned with the number of Pulse entries logged by officers who know their arse from elbows? Why not take the Pulse system for a deep tissue massage in one of the country’s fine massage emporiums. You never know, after working away on those knots, Pulse could come back with less cares and crimes on its hard drive.

If you really have to log the committing of a crime, we suggest using Tesco value post-it notes, their glue lasts less than 5 seconds, so no matter where you stick it to, be it the office computer, your forehead or your partner’s back it is sure to go missing but hey, at least you tried to give a more accurate picture of crime rates in Ireland. Whatever you do, don’t actually enter it into the actual system though.

Are you a bit of a joker? Ever heard of a little thing called invisible ink? Stop! You’ll have the lads in the office in stitches AND you’ll be falsely giving the impression that current resources for Gardaí are adequate to deal with the high levels of crime and still hit targets. It’s win win.