Cattle Auctioneers Admit To Just Talking Shite Half The Time


AUCTIONEERS at livestock markets across the country have finally confirmed what people have suspected for years; that when it comes to selling cattle, the man with the microphone is basically talking high-speed gibberish for no good reason.

“We’ve been just throwing in fibbiddy bibbiddies for the laugh,” said Con Harding, one of the country’s most sought-after cattle auctioneers.

“Just for the fuck of it. Anytime you hear an auctioneer get up to full pelt, you’re listening to about 20% information about the animal in the ring, 20% bidding, and 60% of made up words that we just throw in for the craic”.

The admission has shocked livestock traders up and down the country, who for years have prided themselves on being able to understand an auctioneer, with many claiming to “know exactly what he’s saying” despite today’s revelation that they are in actual fact just talking pure shite.

“I feel kinda foolish right now,” admitted Kieran MacCaughan, a dairy farmer from Laois who regularly attends livestock markets.

“Whenever the auctioneer started up with the ‘hoobiddyboobiddythreehundredfourhundred’, I’d nod along as if I was following him word for word… to learn now that they were just taking the piss out of us is pretty annoying, to be honest”.

Following their admission, the cattle auctioneers association of Ireland have promised to quit the messing and just speak English when selling livestock.