UK Knock Ireland Off The Top Of Child Abusers League Table


IRELAND has breathed a sigh of relief after being usurped by near neighbours, the United Kingdom, as the country most readily associated with systemic failures in their protection of children from paedophile abusers.

With over 116,000 reported cases currently being processed by British authorities, Ireland no longer occupies to top spot on the child abusers league table.

Some 1,400 prominent men are under investigation for historic cases of sexual abuse of children, leading many Irish people to feel a slight smug sense of satisfaction at knowing their former colonial masters are actually a sight more terrible at saving children from the horrors of rape.

“I can’t help but feel a little bit of pride to know we’re only the second worst in Europe at this stuff now,” Ferns resident Angela Kelly told WWN, “and Jesus, they’ve all that other child abuse going on in Rotherham as well and to think I was wasting my time carrying around guilt about clerical abuse when this lot were running riot across the pond”.

Over 70 members of the British Parliament, past and present, are believed to be under suspicion as part of the investigation by police, carried out under the moniker Operation Hydrant but the public have already voiced their concerns that an accompanying report does not publish its final findings until 2023.

“It’s like they’ve taken our model for drawn out inquiries and put it on steroids,” remarked Maynooth native Conor Dowling, “can’t wait till I’m over there next visiting friends, not so smug now about it all are they?”

The staggering number of abuse cases has helped some Irish people get over the stigma of being part of a society that turned a blind eye to priests raping children, finding particular solace in the fact that it is alleged some MPs may have murdered a child too.

“Christ Almighty! 116,000 cases reported last year?” Deirdre Lyons, Dublin resident exclaimed to WWN, “ah, we were only amateurs at ignoring what was clearly going on around us so. Who knows, we might even give them 12 points in the Eurovision for taking the heat off us.”