People With Monday Off Before St. Patrick’s To Spend Day Being Smug Pricks


OFFICIAL reports issued this morning have confirmed that those with today off will spend the day celebrating their four-day weekend while being unbearable arseholes, lording it up over those who had to go to work.

It is believed that the smugness levels today will reach their highest levels since the last time St. Patrick’s Day fell on a Tuesday, in 2009.

Those who managed to get today off, either by booking it off months in advance or by managing to convince their boss that they fell victim to a mystery illness the day before a bank holiday, will spend the Monday engaged in prickish activity such as lying around doing nothing while sending irritating text messages to friends and coworkers.

Others will spend the day getting a head start on St. Patrick’s Day activities such as drinking and drinking some more, while everyone else sits at work wondering why the fuck the place couldn’t close up for one day and give the staff a decent break.

“Businesses across the country resign to pretty much writing this whole week off,” said Ian Halpin, the Government’s chief analyst of Workforce Harmony Studies.

“This week is an unusual set of circumstances where a Bank Holiday falls on a Tuesday, splitting the workforce into two camps; those who have to clock in on Monday and spend the day complaining, and those who managed to get the day off and are being total dicks about it”.

“Either way, with hangovers on Wednesday, rendering both sides useless until Thursday, businesses will probably only see a return to productivity next week, if even then”.

Exit polls at ten o’clock break today have confirmed that the majority of people who arrived for work today are regretting ever applying for their jobs in the first place, while those at home will continue to be delighted with themselves.