Putin Found Down Back Of Couch


THE Kremlin has confirmed that Russian President Vladimir Putin was found safe and well down back of one of the many couches in the government palace.

Mr. Putin was believed to have fallen into a crevasse 11 days ago after sitting down to have a rest. A large scale search was launched after the president failed to appear at a meeting, forcing staff to cancel numerous state visits and important strategy briefings relating to the ongoing Ukraine crisis.

“Mr. Putin is in good health despite being left stranded without food or water for nearly two weeks,” said a Kremlin spokesperson yesterday evening. “He was very dehydrated when we found him, but has recovered quickly and will proceed with his duties from tomorrow as normal”.

This morning the Russian premiere met with Kyrgyzstan President Almazbek Atambayev in St Petersburg, shaking off rumours about his health, stating “I just fell down couch. No big deal”.

It is believed that this is the second instance where Mr. Putin has gotten lost in the Kremlin; the first being in 2012 when he was accidentally thrown out in the garbage by a staff member who was cleaning his room at the time.

“Vladimir is small for a man and is quite angry about this fact,” a source told WWN. “He had twelve staff members sent to a Siberian jail for the garbage incident three years ago. They’re all still there as far as I know. At least this time it was his own fault”.

The Russian president has since requested that all seating furniture in the Kremlin is to be replaced with safer designs.