WWN’s Essential Guide To The Party You Couldn’t Give A Shite About; Renua
RENUA, Ireland’s shiniest new political party launched to massive fanfare earlier today and we have the essential guide to the party that is on next to nobody’s lips.
1) It is scientifically impossible for non-sociopaths to form a lasting bond with a political party, but we’ll endeavour to inform you of why this party should be different. They have a man off the telly in the party, Eddie Hobbs, that’s cool.
2) Renua differ entirely to other political parties out there as they firmly believe in doing good, no other party has ever openly suggested they are in politics for the ‘right reasons’. This is a world first. Headed up by Lucinda Creighton, one of the big policy markers set out by Renua is to get elected, not out of a selfish desire to be at the top of the political tree, but of course to revolutionise revolution itself for the good of the people or something.
3) Renua is destined for failure because it has a terrible logo no one is particularly sure about. As anyone with even a passing understanding of politics knows, if you are to get away with underhanded policies that are in opposition to the ideology held by some of the Nation you need a fucking good logo. Case in point the wonderful logo for Barack Obama’s first tilt at the presidency. Policies aren’t important, logos are.
4) They don’t like Sinn Féin. Shockingly Renua, like only 99.45% of other political parties, really dislike Sinn Féin.
5) They are anti-drowning adorable puppies. A real must for the majority of Irish voters.
6) Renua’s headquarters will not be perched on top of a mountain and the top of it will not open up to reveal a secret rocket launch site. Hobbs has said “that something the old guard would do, we’re not that kind of party”.
7) Renua believes wholeheartedly in being a 100% transparent party, that doesn’t mean to say they are transparently a vanity project for several individuals, no it means they believe in being held accountable and will make their accounts publicly available. If at any stage they are found to be doing something wrong or underhanded, that’s an accident because like they said, they want to be transparent.
8) Renua are looking for potential candidates. Are you a person? Well, brilliant, you might have what it takes to a Renua candidate.
9) Their belief in ‘a new kind of politics’ means they will eventually do away with politics and replace it with something new called Nambluvlagon, we’re not sure what it means either but we’ve been told it involves explosions and bikinis.
10) Renua likes Breaking Bad, funny gifs of animals, Jamie Oliver’s 15 minute meals, Frozen and Nick Hornby books.