Nation To Freeze To Death By 5pm


CHARACTERISTICALLY unprepared for weather other nations would sunbathe in, Ireland faces complete freezing by about 5pm today, with the entire population certain to die.

A variety of reasons for the total annihilation of Ireland has been provided by Met Éireann in its extensive report entitled Snow: Ah What The Fuck Do We Do?

Met Éireann had recommend the public wear an additional 7th layer of clothing, but it is thought that, along with watching The Day After Tomorrow for tips, will prove futile. It is estimated that by 5pm the last Irish person alive will die trying to clear snow from their footpath.

“Snow transforms a person’s very being. Their psychological state is often altered and they become a danger to society,” confirmed leading psychologist Daniel Adams.

“Much of the Irish public is elated at the first sight of snow before slowly losing all reason and logic once it begins interfering with everyday tasks like driving. A normally docile man will be driven to murder if his trousers become covered in that awful slush snow can turn into”.

Such is the low temperatures currently being experienced in Ireland, the tempers of normally rational people become uncontrollable.

“Snow ball attacks are up by 65% in the last 24 hours,” confirmed Sergeant Vincent Mackey.

Gardaí admit their resources are stretched to breaking point after losing much of south Dublin in a huge avalanche earlier this morning.

“Blink of an eye and almost all of them were gone,” explained Sergeant Mackey, “the avalanche was caused by a couples cries of passion during a particularly vigorous bout of love making by a retired couple out on morning walk up the Dublin mountains. The snow starting rumbling along after climax”.

Governing of the country as we know it has collapsed as the cabinet took the Government jet to the Bahamas to escape the cold temperatures.