School Kid With No Cards Receives First Lesson As To Why Valentine’s Day Is A Crock Of Shit


A DUBLIN child in Junior Infants received some valuable life lessons this morning during the distribution of Valentine’s Day cards in his classroom, including a deep understanding of what a long, loveless journey life can be, as well as how much of a plaything the human heart can be to the cruel world it exists in.

David Maher, 6, had spent all last night, making a card for a girl in his class called Meghan Higgins, whom he loves and is going to marry when he grows up.

Opting to work instead of watching TV, Maher toiled until almost half seven crafting the card out of the back of a Corn Flakes box and some glitter. With help from his Mammy, the young man wrote a poem to Higgins on the inside, which outlined the colours of both roses and violets before likening the young lady to the sweetness of sugar.

However, this morning Maher returned to his desk after little break to discover that not only had Higgins failed to make a card for him, she had in fact made a card for Sean Rooney in first class. Ending up with no cards from anyone, the young Dubliner decided on the spot that Valentine’s Day was in fact a crock of shit, and that girls are big stupid heads.

“They borrow your red crayon one day, and the next they tear your heart out,” mused Maher, swirling a Capri-Sun in his hand while staring across the playground.

“As for Valentine’s Day? It’s just a cruel joke on suckers like me, who give up watching Ninja Turtles so they can make stupid cards for people who don’t even know they exist. Look at her over there, swooning over an older guy… this whole day is just a scam to sell more empty Corn Flakes boxes”.

Despite his claims that his heart was now an impenetrable stone fortress, Maher will spend the evening falling deeply in love with fellow Junior Infant Lorraine Duffy after she tells him his drawing of a cow is “very good”.