Record Number Of Sexually Repressed People To Attend Cinemas This Weekend


ONE of the longest-standing World records is set to be broken this weekend ahead of the release of the 50 Shades of Grey movie.

Thousands of sexually repressed individuals will inadvertently break the World record for the largest gathering of sexually repressed people in the one place as the film is played at cinemas around the clock.

“Ah the place is packed to the rafters, queues out the doors,” World record officiator Glenn O’Sullivan noted as thousands of women stood waiting outside the Omniplex Waterford, careful not to seem too aroused.

Male staff members at a number of Omniplex cinemas have pleaded for extra security in light of the queues of sexually repressed women.

“I see the way they do be looking at me,” explained Omniplex worker David Hogan, “once the movie is over, they’re looking at my body like it’s some sort of playground, and a few of them have tried to catch a feel when I’m getting them some popcorn”.

Several participants in the record attempt admitted that spending two hours staring at hunky actor Jamie Dornan was preferable to having actual sex.

“From what I’ve read in the books, sex is meant to be great craic altogether, but just don’t tell the husband,” Maureen Conlon-Jones told WWN.

“Ah, don’t mind me, the girlfriend is after dragging me to it,” added student Graham Hanley, clearly in the queue by himself.

The previous record for highest congregation of sexually repressed people was witnessed during the cinema release of notoriously erotic and famously misunderstood movie ‘From RTÉ to Newstalk: The Pat Kenny Story’.