90% Of Pubs Still Pretending They Close On Time


A STAGGERING 90% of Irish pubs are still pretending they close on time, as dictated by their alcohol licences, despite the entire Nation knowing no pub sticks to the law.

A survey of pub owners conducted by the Institute of Research for Research Institutes showed 9 out of every 10 pubs will politely pretend it is closing its doors and kicking out customers at the appropriate time only to carry on serving in what is commonly referred to as a ‘lock in’.

“Well, now, I’m one of the honest ones because I give not-a-fuck if the Guards know I’m open round the clock,” explained publican Paudie Hanratty, “sure they’re my best customers”.

Hanratty and Sons Pub first opened its doors in 1979 and holds the distinction of still operating on its first day of business.

“Well, technically I opened it on a Wednesday in 1979, and since I’ve shut the doors for no man, we’re still on our first day of operation,” Paudie explained.

While other publicans surveyed explained to WWN that there is a rare unwritten passage in the constitution somewhere, probably, that states it is in fact ‘grand’ to ignore. ‘Private parties’ which just so happen to coincide with closing time are protected under article 18.3 of the constitution.

“I’m almost certain I read somewhere, we’re allowed to take the piss when it comes to ‘closing’,” shared Fiddler’s Elbow owner John Reilly.

Typically ‘closing’ a pub involves barmen slowly closing over a door and shouting ‘are we right there folks?’ while winking and nodding at customers.

“Our official policy for enforcing licensing laws remains robust and unequivocal,” Sergeant Eoin Gilbride said while making sarcastic air quotes a number of times.

“Sadly, we find it hard to close the loophole in the law which maintains that if a Guard wants a pint in Coppers at 5.23am he’ll get it, and then there’s a few pubs which are located over ancient Indian burial grounds rendering licensing laws null and void” added Gilbride.