Congregation At Dickhead’s Funeral Politely Pretending He Was Great


A SOLEMN air of respect descended on the congregation of St. Jude’s Church in Cork this morning as locals paid their respects to notorious dickhead John Paul Lee.

Some 150 mourners packed out the modest church as Fr. Declan Byrne sought to bring some spiritual ease to the souls in attendance, this despite the fact that everyone was of the opinion Mr. Lee was an awful bollocks altogether.

Mr. Lee passed away last Thursday leaving in his wake a number of lives he touched for the worse, although no one in attendance at this morning’s mass was going to point this out.

“I know he wasn’t arsed giving any child support to those mothers, but I suppose it was great all the same that he gave life to the children,” remarked 91-year-old neighbour Assumpta O’Brien, who had to rebuild much of her house in 2004 when Mr. Lee drunkenly plowed his car into it.

“And let no one say he didn’t love his mother,” added another neighbour Elaine Bowe despite being almost certain Mr. Lee forced his senile mother to change her will in his favour.

“My brother was a man,” began Mr. Lee’s brother Gavin in his eulogy, who spent much of last night trying to find positive things to say about his brother. After much thought Gavin decided it was best to stick to irrefutable and uncontroversial facts.

“He was born in Cork. He died in Cork. He was 64,” concluded an unemotional Gavin.

The mourners then took to McCaffrey’s pub for tea and sandwiches where they maintained their civility, careful not to acknowledge the 5 years Mr. Lee spent in prison for beating up a man in a wheelchair.

“Oh, lovely sandwiches,” Fr. Byrne observed while hoping no one would ask him if Mr. Lee was in Heaven or Hell.