Pope To Show Catholics How To Smack Their Children Properly


IN yet another reminder of how ridiculous the notion of receiving instructions from an elderly celibate who talks to a man in the sky is, the Pope is now to show Catholics how to properly beat their children.

Pope Francis has gained popularity since becoming Pontiff thanks largely to selfies and people ignoring all the horrible subjugation he still stands behind but now the Argentinian faces sharp criticism from parents.

Priests are now famously known for not being allowed alone in a room with a child, but this hasn’t stopped the Pope from trying to provide parents with a guide on how to smack their children while leaving the child with ‘dignity’.

The Pope, utilising his zero years’ experience in child rearing, is to produce a ‘how to’ DVD based on a number of ongoing workshops he conducts in the Vatican.

“Yes, I have found it very helpful,” explained parent Julio Gomes, “before the workshop I used to try and reason with my child, but now Il Papa has told me smacking your child is totally on trend right now, who am to refuse as a good Catholic?”

The DVD based on the Pope’s smacking children’s workshop ‘It’s What Jesus Would Have Wanted’ is expected to hit the shops in the coming weeks with early reviews suggesting the Pope gives a smacking tour de force.

“From the small ‘polite tap’, to the ‘not the face, everyone will see the bruises’ we the audience are left in no doubt as to who can lay the smackdown to end all smackdowns,” wrote Guardian film reviewer Tuppence Smith, “viewers will find it hard to forget infectious mantras such as ‘if your hand don’t sting, it ain’t no thing’.

However, not everyone was impressed with the Pope’s latest venture.

“He can fuck right off,” explained parent and general ignorer of religious leaders Victoria Flynn.

The Pope’s smacking comments have come at the same as his launch of a conference on the protection of minors, making them all the more stark in contrast.

“See, this is why the Vatican is a crumbling wreck of archaic ideology and hasn’t a fucking notion,” explained religious affairs journalist Conor Jeffries.

‘It’s What Jesus Would Have Wanted’ retails at €9.99 and is available in all good shops.