Disappointment For Man As Beard Turns Out Pube-ier Than He Had Expected


FOLLOWING five weeks of non-stop facial hair growth, a Dublin man has had to admit to himself that his beard may never turn out looking like anything other than random clumps of pubic hair growing at all different lengths over his face.

Jamie Mason started growing out his beard at the start of the year in a bid to solidify his image as a hipster, having already invested in a range of waistcoats, bow ties, and hair wax. Seeking a full bushy beard to complete the look, Mason shaved for the last time on December 29th before sitting back and waiting for a wonderful Lumberjack look to arrive.

However, having waited for weeks in vain for his facial follicles to fill out, the 23-year-old Graphic designer has woken each morning to discover that the face in the mirror looks less and less like the distinguished man-about-town, and more and more like someone who got drunk and passed out on a barber’s floors.

“I’ve told myself, it’ll fill in, any day now,” said the dejected Mason, while trying in vain to get bits of hair sticking out of his sideburns to sit the fuck down.

“But as the weeks turn into months, it just keeps getting pube-ier. It’s breaking my heart, because I had spent so much money on beard oils and wee combs, without a beard to use them on”.

Mason’s attempts at beard-growth were not a total loss, as many hipsters who spotted him at a local Artisan coffee shop have taken to thinning out their own beards, in an attempt to copy this trendy new pube-faced look.