6 Things That Could Be Killing Your Child Right Now


It’s important not to take your child’s safety for granted and that’s WWN has complied a must read list for all decent and responsible parents:

1 – Outdoors. All too often parents make the mistake of allowing their children outdoors. The outside world is the single biggest threat to your children. Do you know where your children are right now? If the answer is no, stop everything and purchase a cage to place them in on the way home and begin a new era of keeping your children safe.

2 – Indoors. Almost as deadly as the outdoors. The international Illuminati conspiracy against your offspring takes its most sinister form in your own house. Why? Interior designers and architects are notorious for their Illuminati membership and hatred of children. Fuelled by this hatred they came together in 1989 to insist all kitchen fixtures and fittings come with sharp and jutting edges. Seriously, purchase that cage for your child already.

3 – Yellow skittles. Not that we need to explain, yellow Skittles are renowned the world over for possessing enough sugar to render an elephant diabetic within 3 seconds of consumption. If your child has eaten a yellow skittle in the past 4 years rush him/her to the emergency rooms immediately and request that their stomach be pumped.

4 – Curbs. The sinister serial killer of the paving and road world, the humble curb has an insatiable desire for all things killing children. With its complex network of concrete peaks and troughs, the curb is like Kryptonite to a child as it goes about its walking completely unaware of the serial killer that lurks beneath its feet.

5 – Other children. Oh, isn’t little Zoe from the creche with her pigtails adorable? No, she is fucking not. Underneath the pigtails lies the heart of a stone cold killer, or actually maybe a really nice kid but how are you to know? Kill first or be killed.

6 – Any food beginning with the letter B. Banana, bread and Bovril… they all have to go if you want to ensure our child is safe from harm. Or maybe, you know, you could take a chance and just leave them in the press next to the fridge you irresponsible piece of shit.

Honourable mentions to those that didn’t make the list: the paedophile that probably lives next door, Wednesdays, watching 2 hours and 43 hours of television without interruption and pan fried trout.